Brief update: Neuropathy has set in, in both Tina's hands and feet from the new chemo. medications, specifically from the Taxol which is supposed to work great on the dense breast cancer tumor.
Now we have to TRY "Neurontin" to help this side effect, but Neurontin has a whole host of OTHER side effects of it's own......really???
Ugh! My poor girl. Her feet hurt so much it's painful to walk and her hands hurt like that too.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
True Friendship
Euripedes said it best....
"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends."
Times of trouble, fear, and sickness let us see clearly who is, and who is not a true friend.
Thank you to my wonderful friends.....you know who you are.
"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends."
Times of trouble, fear, and sickness let us see clearly who is, and who is not a true friend.
Thank you to my wonderful friends.....you know who you are.
Friday, October 22, 2010
"I wanna newwwww drug..."
"....one that won't make me sick."
Sitting in chemo room with T as I write this. She's been REALLY sick as of late coupled with morning her mom and now fully understanding all her mom endured during her treatment has been a bit too much to take.
Done with the 1st set of chemo meds and now starting Taxol and Herceptin for the next 8 weeks and treatments are EVERY week now.
Scared sh!tless about how she will react to the Taxol. Tina has a little neuropathy in her hands already without the Taxol and the Taxol is known to cause or worsen that side-effect....can't catch a break.
They SAY the nausea should not be as bad on this new drug, but the new drug has it's own set of scary side-effects...neuropathy in hands and feet being the worst on the list.
Oh and did I mention these meds make menopause worse......wicked hot flashes! Poor T goes from blazing hot to freezing cold and back again in minutes at times.
As for me, I'm loosing my mind at times.....hard to watch and not be able to do anything but be there....and by hard I mean sometimes I want to scream and hit things. She sometimes out of pain, sickness, grief, frustration and 100 other things will just curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably. Rips my heart out.
I keep saying to her and myself that in 6 to 8 month or so, this will be over.....but it's little comfort.
That is all for now.....that's enough
Done with the 1st set of chemo meds and now starting Taxol and Herceptin for the next 8 weeks and treatments are EVERY week now.
Scared sh!tless about how she will react to the Taxol. Tina has a little neuropathy in her hands already without the Taxol and the Taxol is known to cause or worsen that side-effect....can't catch a break.
They SAY the nausea should not be as bad on this new drug, but the new drug has it's own set of scary side-effects...neuropathy in hands and feet being the worst on the list.
Oh and did I mention these meds make menopause worse......wicked hot flashes! Poor T goes from blazing hot to freezing cold and back again in minutes at times.
As for me, I'm loosing my mind at times.....hard to watch and not be able to do anything but be there....and by hard I mean sometimes I want to scream and hit things. She sometimes out of pain, sickness, grief, frustration and 100 other things will just curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably. Rips my heart out.
I keep saying to her and myself that in 6 to 8 month or so, this will be over.....but it's little comfort.
That is all for now.....that's enough
Friday, October 15, 2010
Overwhelmed
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just can't deal with the simplest of tasks.
 |
| Holding my girl |
The heater in our apartment doesn't work again and we need to tell our landlord ASAP. Normally something like this would not stress me out too much, but with T going through cancer treatment and her immunity being compromised as a result, has me worried that we will spend yet another winter with a heater that works occasionally at best.
That jerk my landlord hired to buy and install this heater took advantage of her, she got swindled by her "repair man" who got this non returnable heater for her...we call him Mr. Magoo. He's actually a cross between Mr. Magoo and Archie Bunker and never EVER admits he's clueless.
I hope she doesn't use him again and just chooses to buy a good heater herself from sears or where ever? They deliver, they install, and they guarantee their stuff and if something is wrong they will either fix or replace it....Mr. Magoo who is quite frankly a jack ass better not try and take advantage of her again. She and we deserve better.
T has developed a new side effect. The palms of her hands feel as if she burned them on a hot frying pan. They are tender, red, and tingle. This raises new problems. The new chemotherapy she's supposed to start in a week causes the problem she's already having with her hands, which means it could make it worse.....so off to a neurologist we go to find out exactly what is causing this side effect just to make sure.
The neurologist will determine the cause, the oncologist will then have to re-think the type of chemo she can give T....oh and that might mean chemo every single week with extra medicine to try and control the side effects. This means we also have to worry about how accommodating T's work will be with her needing treatment EVERY week.
If that's not enough, we are seeing the surgeon next Thursday late in the afternoon to decide if it's time for surgery yet. If it is, we have to pray her work will accommodate us being as they are not allowing her to even apply for FMLA until November (because she qualified months ago but missed the 5 day window to sign up that they never told her about).....so will she have a job and keep her insurance or not?
I don't want to put off her surgery until she can sign up for FMLA, if they don’t accommodate us, I'm gonna be pissed....sooooo worried about that.
All this is preventing me from enjoying the bit of happy news we got which is that the chemo is working. The tumors are smaller.....even the nodes in her lungs which we don't know if they are cancer or not have shrunk, SOME of the lymph nodes even disappeared......what the doctors are doing is working, and I don't want T's f#cking job to interfere with that, even though the doctors will work with us either way....
I want to be happy, cry out of frustration, and scream all at once to express a dozen conflicting emotions at once.
This all hit me at once and......I just shut down for a few hours to get my sh!t together before I could do anything.....sounds stupid......silly even.....but I just couldn't deal. My world is out of control and that's really hard for someone like me who tries to think of every possible scenario so I can have a plan for each and every one.
I just want to do some fun things with my girl as much as possible to help us both get through this. She's a tough cookie, my girl......stronger then she thinks she is and while I fear EVERYTHING, I long for the day we can look back on all this as a distant memory.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Anxious
CT Scans Wednesday, then not seeing Surgeon until a week from Thursday.
The questions are....
The questions are....
- Has the tumor shrunk enough to do surgery yet? or do we need more chemotherapy 1st?
- If it is time for surgery now, will it be a lumpectomy? or will they remove the whole breast?
- When we do, do surgery, will they be able to do reconstruction at the same time?
- ....or do we need more tests/scans?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Support
T and I were invited by a very special nurse to our 1st educational support group. T and I are both shy about going to things like that.....maybe "shy" isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
Anywho, it was a great experience and I hope we go to more together and individually. There was a nutritionist, a physical therapist, and a shrink. The physical therapist was borrrrring and a bad speaker, but the nutritionist was great and the shrink was good too. The people we met were very nice also and I wish I had exchanged emails with a few of them. I'm sure I'll see some of them in a doctor's waiting room or maybe even another meeting....that would be nice.
There was something.....comforting?...about being in a room with a bunch of people who completely understand what T (and I) are going through. There was a mix of patients and loved ones in this group. There was one lady there to support her niece. Her, I'd like to keep in touch with. We had the same attitude about all this.
Something else really good came from this meeting. One of the things the shrink brought up seemed to affect us all. It was about support and telling people what you really need. Everyone spoke up about how the people in their lives reacted or didn't react. How this experience lets you see the people in your life through new eyes.
Those that are very supportive that you never expected. I have an old friend from high school who I haven't spoken to since who has made a continuous effort to contact me via Facebook from time to time. She has breast cancer, but is further along in her treatment then T.
Then there are those that you expected to be there, but haven't been.....sometimes you discover that certain people aren't worth the effort and you just cut them loose.
Everyone did make 1 very important point though....about the people who are in our lives that we DO know care, but have not been there for reasons we can only guess......perhaps they are scared they won't know what to say, or afraid they will disturb T while resting, or just don't know what to say or how to be. They said you should TELL those special people in your life what you need from them......so we've started doing that.
I can't speak for all cancer patients and their families, but for us the answer is simple. Be who you've always been. Assume we always want you to call...to text....to email...and most of all TO VISIT. Don't be afraid to do any of these things, any time.
There will be days when you call, text, or email and we will say, "not today".....but don't let that stop you. Be persistent. There will also be days we have to cancel last minute because we never know when the nausea or exhaustion will hit hard, be understanding......we hate to cancel at the last minute too, but sometimes we have no choice. Also understand that we can only handle 2 or 3 people at a time in our tiny home, and don't want everyone visiting at once anyway. Having company on a few days with different people is way better then having a lot of people all at once and being alone the rest of the time.
It worked, by the way, telling the people we care about what we need. Several friends have already called, emailed, texted, and visited and others plan to next week and regularly. YAY!
I love you guys....you know who you are.
-----------------
Next chemotherapy is tomorrow.........here we go again.........I love you baby!
Anywho, it was a great experience and I hope we go to more together and individually. There was a nutritionist, a physical therapist, and a shrink. The physical therapist was borrrrring and a bad speaker, but the nutritionist was great and the shrink was good too. The people we met were very nice also and I wish I had exchanged emails with a few of them. I'm sure I'll see some of them in a doctor's waiting room or maybe even another meeting....that would be nice.
There was something.....comforting?...about being in a room with a bunch of people who completely understand what T (and I) are going through. There was a mix of patients and loved ones in this group. There was one lady there to support her niece. Her, I'd like to keep in touch with. We had the same attitude about all this.
Something else really good came from this meeting. One of the things the shrink brought up seemed to affect us all. It was about support and telling people what you really need. Everyone spoke up about how the people in their lives reacted or didn't react. How this experience lets you see the people in your life through new eyes.
Those that are very supportive that you never expected. I have an old friend from high school who I haven't spoken to since who has made a continuous effort to contact me via Facebook from time to time. She has breast cancer, but is further along in her treatment then T.
Then there are those that you expected to be there, but haven't been.....sometimes you discover that certain people aren't worth the effort and you just cut them loose.
Everyone did make 1 very important point though....about the people who are in our lives that we DO know care, but have not been there for reasons we can only guess......perhaps they are scared they won't know what to say, or afraid they will disturb T while resting, or just don't know what to say or how to be. They said you should TELL those special people in your life what you need from them......so we've started doing that.
I can't speak for all cancer patients and their families, but for us the answer is simple. Be who you've always been. Assume we always want you to call...to text....to email...and most of all TO VISIT. Don't be afraid to do any of these things, any time.
There will be days when you call, text, or email and we will say, "not today".....but don't let that stop you. Be persistent. There will also be days we have to cancel last minute because we never know when the nausea or exhaustion will hit hard, be understanding......we hate to cancel at the last minute too, but sometimes we have no choice. Also understand that we can only handle 2 or 3 people at a time in our tiny home, and don't want everyone visiting at once anyway. Having company on a few days with different people is way better then having a lot of people all at once and being alone the rest of the time.
It worked, by the way, telling the people we care about what we need. Several friends have already called, emailed, texted, and visited and others plan to next week and regularly. YAY!
I love you guys....you know who you are.
-----------------
Next chemotherapy is tomorrow.........here we go again.........I love you baby!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Day by day I gazed upon her, Day by day I sighed with passion, Day by day my heart within me Grew more hot with love and longing
Sitting on the couch watching MSNBC......it's 5 after 11: pm......and I'm really enjoying the sound of the rain outside and the smell.......I love the smell of rain. Tina loves it too......I'm tempted to wake her and make her come sit with me......LOL.....doubt that would go over too well......"you woke me up so I could smell the rain?!?!, are you crazy?!?!".......the answer to that question we all know is....."YES, yes, I am crazy....duh!"
Then again she might find it amusing that I woke her to smell the rain.....hummmmm????
Living one day at a time......the days blend together with moments here and there that stand out. I do love being able to spend all this time with T.....I just wish she wasn't so sick.
Had a visit from our adorable nieces the other day, and T's bro and sis-in-law......I love spending time with them, especially little Remmy who is just adorable in every way. She is so little and yet full of personality.....there is nothing more beautiful then children her age....still discovering the world and already so smart.
T was so sick that day, but hid it well, so she could see and enjoy all their company. Every time little Remmy called her Auntie T, T's face lite up like a Christmas tree.....she was exhausted by the time they left, but it was the best thing for her......just brightened us both up actually. Kids have a way of doing that....and we get to be the cool aunties that live over an ice cream parlor......oh yeah! Lovin' that.
rut roh, she's up......not to smell the rain......nausea bad.....
10 minutes later.......OK, feeling better she's sitting next to me and I shit you not, she just sniffed the air and said she loved the smell of the rain and wishes she could go out and dance in it.......do I know my girl or what?
Then again she might find it amusing that I woke her to smell the rain.....hummmmm????
Living one day at a time......the days blend together with moments here and there that stand out. I do love being able to spend all this time with T.....I just wish she wasn't so sick.
Had a visit from our adorable nieces the other day, and T's bro and sis-in-law......I love spending time with them, especially little Remmy who is just adorable in every way. She is so little and yet full of personality.....there is nothing more beautiful then children her age....still discovering the world and already so smart.
T was so sick that day, but hid it well, so she could see and enjoy all their company. Every time little Remmy called her Auntie T, T's face lite up like a Christmas tree.....she was exhausted by the time they left, but it was the best thing for her......just brightened us both up actually. Kids have a way of doing that....and we get to be the cool aunties that live over an ice cream parlor......oh yeah! Lovin' that.
rut roh, she's up......not to smell the rain......nausea bad.....
10 minutes later.......OK, feeling better she's sitting next to me and I shit you not, she just sniffed the air and said she loved the smell of the rain and wishes she could go out and dance in it.......do I know my girl or what?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Adriamycin and Cytoxan
Friday was round 3 of this little cocktail of chemotherapy drugs for T.......1 more to go in 2 weeks and then.....
....and then we change the drugs and see the surgeon to discuss what comes next.
I'm thinking option 3, but we shall see, depends on what the surgeon thinks.
T is having a hard time....cabin fever. We had company one night last week which was really nice. T's friend S came over and we had home made pizza. It was good too!....and it was nice to have company.
Can't wait 'til tomorrow.....her brother is coming over with the girls.....this is the 1st time they will see Auntie Tina with no hair. She gets a kick out of the way kids react to her being bald. She gives them a big smile when she catches them starring. It's cute how amazed they look and the big smiles T gets in return.
As for me, I teeter between OK and pissed off at the world and everyone in it......about every 2.5 seconds. Trying to keep that under control is not easy.
....and then we change the drugs and see the surgeon to discuss what comes next.
- surgery, reconstruction, more chemo, then radiation
- surgery, more chemo, radiation, then reconstruction
- more chemo, surgery, reconstruction, more chemo, then radiation
I'm thinking option 3, but we shall see, depends on what the surgeon thinks.
T is having a hard time....cabin fever. We had company one night last week which was really nice. T's friend S came over and we had home made pizza. It was good too!....and it was nice to have company.
Can't wait 'til tomorrow.....her brother is coming over with the girls.....this is the 1st time they will see Auntie Tina with no hair. She gets a kick out of the way kids react to her being bald. She gives them a big smile when she catches them starring. It's cute how amazed they look and the big smiles T gets in return.
As for me, I teeter between OK and pissed off at the world and everyone in it......about every 2.5 seconds. Trying to keep that under control is not easy.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Had 2 whole good days where Tina didn't feel too bad. Even had company over one night and made it to the Oyster Fest for about an hour.
Today sucked! and tomorrow doesn't look good either. T's hair has started falling out in clumps and her scalp hurts something awful.
What's worse is she's shutting me out.....this has all been the most horrible experience ever......I do as much as anyone who loves someone going through this can do and sometimes she says she appreciates it and sometime, like today, she just shuts me out completely. She's been in the other room almost since the second I got up this morning and now it's night and she will no doubt fall asleep for the night.
I feel helpless, rejected, and worthless.
I've been alone all day in the living room.....looked up some things to help her scalp pain, but she won't even try them......she just wants to be alone in bed.......I don't think I've cried this much in my entire life combined....I was so upset I even threw up a few times, and if you know me, i never EVER throw up, no matter how sick I get.
Feeling miserable, rejected, alone, unloved......my life sucks right now.
I love her with everything I am, but what does it matter..........
Today sucked! and tomorrow doesn't look good either. T's hair has started falling out in clumps and her scalp hurts something awful.
What's worse is she's shutting me out.....this has all been the most horrible experience ever......I do as much as anyone who loves someone going through this can do and sometimes she says she appreciates it and sometime, like today, she just shuts me out completely. She's been in the other room almost since the second I got up this morning and now it's night and she will no doubt fall asleep for the night.
I feel helpless, rejected, and worthless.
I've been alone all day in the living room.....looked up some things to help her scalp pain, but she won't even try them......she just wants to be alone in bed.......I don't think I've cried this much in my entire life combined....I was so upset I even threw up a few times, and if you know me, i never EVER throw up, no matter how sick I get.
Feeling miserable, rejected, alone, unloved......my life sucks right now.
I love her with everything I am, but what does it matter..........
Friday, September 10, 2010
Chemotherapy #2 Today
Tina is at chemo right now with her cousins who came down all the way from NY just to go sit with her while they pump her up with chemo. meds and fluids. I feel weird not taking her myself, but she wanted to accept all the offers of different cousins to go with her to a chemo. treatment.....that way she can both spend time with them and visit and also let them know that she appreciates their support.Cousins she sees maybe only once a year at a family function now and again, all stepped up when they heard she was sick. They organized a night out just to spend time together before her 1st chemo., they are organizing a fundraiser/benefit for her, and they have been writing her on-line, sending cards, and calling regularly, just so talk and offer support. It's a beautiful thing that gives me hope and it makes me so happy when her phone rings and she smiles at the caller ID and happily picks up the phone to chat with them.
I'm dreading this evening and wondering how sick this will make my girl tonight and in the days to come. I'm hoping her new medicine for the nausea will make it easier then last time and that the extra fluids will help as well.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Just in time for...
...her next chemotherapy.
Finally T feels a bit better and even made it to work yesterday for 6 hours. I don't dare let her drive herself though....when I picked her up yesterday, she almost instantly fell asleep in the car. Today looks like she's going to make it through a full day at work.
Her next chemotherapy is on Friday.....sigh!
I hope this treatment goes better then the last one. They found 2 drugs that actually help T's nausea and they will give those to her with her chemo. and also they will give her extra fluids before we leave too. Cross everything people!
She will most likely begin to loose her hair after this treatment. She knows it's coming, but I know her, and this will REALLY upset her. I just hope I'm with her or that it happens gradually.
I've been sleeping less and less.....even when i do drag myself to bed I just can't turn my head off....I lay awake worried about EVERYTHING.....exhausted and wired all at the same time....hard to explain.
Friends and family love us and call from time to time to check in, but this is one of those things that you think you know what it would be like.......until your in it, and you see what it's REALLY like, and realize that no one who hasn't actually been there has a clue....which sucks because you need them to understand. That's why everyone in that chemo. room is able to bond with the other patients so quickly and easily.
A friend from way back in high school, who has gone through all of this contacted me today. Just talking to her made me feel better. We don't talk often, but she is one of those rare people that you can not talk to for years and when you do, it's like no time has past. Thanks Facebook for making communication so easy with old friends....and thanks Toula!
I am grateful for my friends love and support and T's family who just jumped right in, to be there for us. Her cousin L is going to have a benefit/party for her and is going all out with everyone on that side of her family all jumping in to help....I wouldn't have a clue as to how to organize something like that, so I'm really thankful to him for having the idea and making it happen.....I'll write more about that as it gets closer and we pick a date......just thank you everyone!
You might not think that a hug hello or a text or call means or helps much, but it helps more then you could imagine.....it breeds hope....and reminds us, at our loneliest moments, that we are not alone.
Finally T feels a bit better and even made it to work yesterday for 6 hours. I don't dare let her drive herself though....when I picked her up yesterday, she almost instantly fell asleep in the car. Today looks like she's going to make it through a full day at work.
Her next chemotherapy is on Friday.....sigh!
I hope this treatment goes better then the last one. They found 2 drugs that actually help T's nausea and they will give those to her with her chemo. and also they will give her extra fluids before we leave too. Cross everything people!
She will most likely begin to loose her hair after this treatment. She knows it's coming, but I know her, and this will REALLY upset her. I just hope I'm with her or that it happens gradually.
I've been sleeping less and less.....even when i do drag myself to bed I just can't turn my head off....I lay awake worried about EVERYTHING.....exhausted and wired all at the same time....hard to explain.
Friends and family love us and call from time to time to check in, but this is one of those things that you think you know what it would be like.......until your in it, and you see what it's REALLY like, and realize that no one who hasn't actually been there has a clue....which sucks because you need them to understand. That's why everyone in that chemo. room is able to bond with the other patients so quickly and easily.
A friend from way back in high school, who has gone through all of this contacted me today. Just talking to her made me feel better. We don't talk often, but she is one of those rare people that you can not talk to for years and when you do, it's like no time has past. Thanks Facebook for making communication so easy with old friends....and thanks Toula!
I am grateful for my friends love and support and T's family who just jumped right in, to be there for us. Her cousin L is going to have a benefit/party for her and is going all out with everyone on that side of her family all jumping in to help....I wouldn't have a clue as to how to organize something like that, so I'm really thankful to him for having the idea and making it happen.....I'll write more about that as it gets closer and we pick a date......just thank you everyone!
You might not think that a hug hello or a text or call means or helps much, but it helps more then you could imagine.....it breeds hope....and reminds us, at our loneliest moments, that we are not alone.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Neulasta Shot - Mobile blogging
Wholly crap! This shot is supposed to increase her white blood cell count...but it also makes her bones ache, and makes her skin so sensitive to the touch...lots of pain.
On the plus side, I dragged a reluctant T back to the doctor today and they found the winning combo of anti-nausea meds FINALLY!
God I hope this makes the next round of chemo easier!
Another patient who did the same chemo meds said she was as bad as T her 1st round and that her 1st round was by FAR worse then the rest. That made me feel better about all this.
Until this afternoon T has been in so much pain that she spent the last 2 days mostly crying...broke my heart.
So glad she's feeling a bit better! Still to exhausted to do much, but at least she can eat now...yay!
On the plus side, I dragged a reluctant T back to the doctor today and they found the winning combo of anti-nausea meds FINALLY!
God I hope this makes the next round of chemo easier!
Another patient who did the same chemo meds said she was as bad as T her 1st round and that her 1st round was by FAR worse then the rest. That made me feel better about all this.
Until this afternoon T has been in so much pain that she spent the last 2 days mostly crying...broke my heart.
So glad she's feeling a bit better! Still to exhausted to do much, but at least she can eat now...yay!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thoughtful, thoughts rattling around in my head
Side Note: There was a little old lady having chemotherapy in the chair next to T's today. She was kind and sweet and alone.
It made me so sad to know that she was going through that alone....and still she spoke kindly to us, encouraged us to hang in there, and when she left, she offered Tina her blanket as it's very cold in the chemotherapy room. I make a point of introducing us and talking to whoever is near us, when we go into that room.
It made me so sad to know that she was going through that alone....and still she spoke kindly to us, encouraged us to hang in there, and when she left, she offered Tina her blanket as it's very cold in the chemotherapy room. I make a point of introducing us and talking to whoever is near us, when we go into that room.
It's a room of strangers who bond in seconds over a common enemy....cancer! Everyone is sweet and kind to each other in there, because they know what is and is not important. The rest of the world outside is oblivious.
Can you say nausea, boys and girls?
Poor T had a horrible day of really bad nausea. She's been so sick, eating and drinking has been really hard for her.
When we got to the doctor, they took one look at her and hooked her up to an IV to give her fluids and anti-nausea meds, that didn't work. The fluids helped a tiny little bit.....I expect we will go back again tomorrow to do that again, and the doc definately wants to see and hydrate her again Friday.
I've never seen T this miserable and sick.....it makes me feel helpless and yet grateful that I can be here to take care of her all at the same time. I don't know what she would have done if I wasn't here....not that I actually did much...
...tried to get her to eat and drink
...drove her to the doctor
...ran a few errands
I wish these 1st four chemotherapy treatments would fly by.....1 down, 3 to go.....after that, they drop the heavy meds making her so sick and switch to meds she will tolerate way better....or so they say.
If that's all not enough, we have to worry that her work will screw her over and she'll loose her job because she's sick, in spite of the fact that we have doctors notes. They are making this way harder on T then they have to......people are selfish and evil sometimes....got the name of a good employment lawyer from a friend, just in case....hope we don't need him though.
When we got to the doctor, they took one look at her and hooked her up to an IV to give her fluids and anti-nausea meds, that didn't work. The fluids helped a tiny little bit.....I expect we will go back again tomorrow to do that again, and the doc definately wants to see and hydrate her again Friday.
I've never seen T this miserable and sick.....it makes me feel helpless and yet grateful that I can be here to take care of her all at the same time. I don't know what she would have done if I wasn't here....not that I actually did much...
...tried to get her to eat and drink
...drove her to the doctor
...ran a few errands
I wish these 1st four chemotherapy treatments would fly by.....1 down, 3 to go.....after that, they drop the heavy meds making her so sick and switch to meds she will tolerate way better....or so they say.
If that's all not enough, we have to worry that her work will screw her over and she'll loose her job because she's sick, in spite of the fact that we have doctors notes. They are making this way harder on T then they have to......people are selfish and evil sometimes....got the name of a good employment lawyer from a friend, just in case....hope we don't need him though.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A Long Day
Tried to get Tina out of the house for a couple of hours today....it exhausted her in every way.....physically, mentally, emotionally.....like much of this weekend, I'm sitting next to her while she sleeps quietly.
It has been 3 days of nausea that has tried her patience, her strength and her determination.....she is stronger then she thinks, although there is no way she can go to work tomorrow and be, not only on her feet all day, but lifting 50 lb. bags of food, and chopping and cooking all day.
I've watched her break down, I've watched her give up, I've watched her fight, I've watched her get angry, I've watched her laugh.....and now as I watch her sleep, I know that I love her more then I thought it was possible to love another human being.
Through all this...and we've only just begun this journey......I have been on an emotional roller coaster myself.....not quite the same as hers, but just as scary and with as many twists, dips and turns.....I have to deal with her crazy mood swings, but she has to deal with mine too...
frustration....I find myself snapping at people for no reason, yelling at drivers who cut me off like some kind of lunatic one minute, and laughing at myself for it later.....hoping my friends understand when I'm angry, or quiet or forgetful.....hope they and T know it's the frustration talking and that I don't mean half the sh!t I say sometimes....so take nothing personally, please.
Nothing frustrates me more then a problem I can't fix. She has to struggle through a treatment that will last for almost a full year and there is nothing I can do but watch, and try to help her through it as best I can.....it sucks when your an "I wanna fix it now" kind of person......and did I mention, patience is not a virtue I have a lot of.
.....tomorrow is another day.....
It has been 3 days of nausea that has tried her patience, her strength and her determination.....she is stronger then she thinks, although there is no way she can go to work tomorrow and be, not only on her feet all day, but lifting 50 lb. bags of food, and chopping and cooking all day.
I've watched her break down, I've watched her give up, I've watched her fight, I've watched her get angry, I've watched her laugh.....and now as I watch her sleep, I know that I love her more then I thought it was possible to love another human being.
Through all this...and we've only just begun this journey......I have been on an emotional roller coaster myself.....not quite the same as hers, but just as scary and with as many twists, dips and turns.....I have to deal with her crazy mood swings, but she has to deal with mine too...
frustration....I find myself snapping at people for no reason, yelling at drivers who cut me off like some kind of lunatic one minute, and laughing at myself for it later.....hoping my friends understand when I'm angry, or quiet or forgetful.....hope they and T know it's the frustration talking and that I don't mean half the sh!t I say sometimes....so take nothing personally, please.
Nothing frustrates me more then a problem I can't fix. She has to struggle through a treatment that will last for almost a full year and there is nothing I can do but watch, and try to help her through it as best I can.....it sucks when your an "I wanna fix it now" kind of person......and did I mention, patience is not a virtue I have a lot of.
.....tomorrow is another day.....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Chemotherapy- Not for the weak
THE DAY OF TREATMENT:
Let's see......we got there, everyone was really sweet and it all went smoothly. I brought T's laptop for her to distract her....
they checked her blood counts, with a finger stick,
gave her, her EMENS pill (it cost $356.40 for 3 pills). She takes it for 3 days with each chemo. along with another drug that's a steroid also for 3 days.
IV of anti-nausea
then they hung all the chemo. drugs
She felt good through the treatment...made friends with an older couple who was there too
In spite of the meds., nausea kicked in, in a big way around 6:00 pm. My poor girl was praying she could throw up for a few hours, but the meds didn't make that easy.....by 8 she was throwing up and continued for another 2 hours. Thankfully after that, exhaustion kicked in and she slept through the night.
DAY 2:
Nausea is back, but not as bad...meds in.....ginger tea made.....breakfast being eaten with a healthy dose of saltines. With hope she'll start to feel better and better as the day goes on......exhaustion should hit her hard they say today or tomorrow......we'll see....maybe the steroid will help with that.
Just want her to feel better
Friday, August 27, 2010
1st Chemotherapy Today!
Headed to T's 1st Chemotherapy in 15 minutes.
Time to fight!
I might try mobile Blogging at some point during the process.
Everybody think happy thoughts and send some good vibes our way!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tick Tock
Tina's 1st chemotherapy this Friday got changed from 9:am to 1:pm and we're gonna be there for like 3 or 4 hours. They said the 1st 2 sessions would be longer.....they weren't kidding.
Waiting is freaking us both out.....just want to see what it will be like, how she'll react, how she will recover, how will she feel come Monday when she has to go back to work.....we shall see.
They are giving her the stronger of the 2 choices of chemotherapy for her situation. It causes more nausea then the other kind of chemo. so they said they will be giving her an IV drug for the nausea in addition to the pills we got already.
I spent all day today cleaning to make the apt. germ free by Friday, but I have so much more to do. We made chicken soup late tonight....I'll finish it off tomorrow......
I have so much to do tomorrow.....laundry with comforters, sheets and everything, bank,and a couple of stores....then finish off the soup, put laundry away, and more cleaning of the bedroom and kitchen.
I have to be done tomorrow because Friday T's gonna be a basket case waiting for her 1st chemotherapy....no clue how I'll be.
OK, off to bed....I need some sleep...getting up with T at 4:45 am every morning is killing me. I usually try and get a little more sleep after she leaves at 5:30 am, but I have shit to do and get done before she comes home at 3:pm-ish.
Waiting is freaking us both out.....just want to see what it will be like, how she'll react, how she will recover, how will she feel come Monday when she has to go back to work.....we shall see.
They are giving her the stronger of the 2 choices of chemotherapy for her situation. It causes more nausea then the other kind of chemo. so they said they will be giving her an IV drug for the nausea in addition to the pills we got already.
I spent all day today cleaning to make the apt. germ free by Friday, but I have so much more to do. We made chicken soup late tonight....I'll finish it off tomorrow......
I have so much to do tomorrow.....laundry with comforters, sheets and everything, bank,and a couple of stores....then finish off the soup, put laundry away, and more cleaning of the bedroom and kitchen.
I have to be done tomorrow because Friday T's gonna be a basket case waiting for her 1st chemotherapy....no clue how I'll be.
OK, off to bed....I need some sleep...getting up with T at 4:45 am every morning is killing me. I usually try and get a little more sleep after she leaves at 5:30 am, but I have shit to do and get done before she comes home at 3:pm-ish.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What to eat and what not to eat, THAT is the question.
Anyone out there have any experience or knowledge about what is good to eat during chemotherapy and what is good to avoid?
Tina and I have both been doing a lot of reading on the internet. I've found there is a LOT of misinformation out there, so for now I'm sticking with WebMD .
Can anyone recommend any other reputable websites that we can go to to learn more?
We plan to consult with a nutritionist soon, but would still like to read more for ourselves as chemo. starts THIS Friday.
Tina and I have both been doing a lot of reading on the internet. I've found there is a LOT of misinformation out there, so for now I'm sticking with WebMD .
Can anyone recommend any other reputable websites that we can go to to learn more?
We plan to consult with a nutritionist soon, but would still like to read more for ourselves as chemo. starts THIS Friday.
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