Surgery VERY Soon

Surgery in just over a week. T is scared as expected about the physical aspect mostly. I'm scared of both the physical and the emotional, having previously worked as a surgical coordinator, the surgery scares me a little, because any surgery is a risk.......but more I'm worried about the psychological effect that probably won't completely hit T until after surgery.

A full mastectomy, even on just one side is no small thing to deal with. Our saving grace is that the reconstruction surgeon will at the very least begin reconstruction at the same time. This gives me some peace as T will not have to ever see herself with just the mastectomy scar, which can look quite brutal. The scar with immediate reconstruction will much easier to deal with. It will still look brutal at 1st, but better as time goes on....getting T though that time will be hard as she will no doubt worry the scars will not heal as well as they will.

This surgery is WAY WAY different from people who have cosmetic surgery (increase/decrease the size of their breasts) to simply change their appearance. Those people have more skin and tissue to work with and the operation is significantly easier and has a much faster recovery and less pain....or so I'm told by a cousin who had a boob job.

I have one big hope with this, and that is that they can do the reconstruction in one shot, which may be possible and is the plan, but the surgeon won't know until they are in the thick of it. The amount of skin and tissue they have to work with, or without will be the deciding factor.

We are told because it's a complete mastectomy AND reconstruction the recovery could be anywhere from 4 to 6 or even 8 weeks and quite painful in the first few weeks.

I'm scared for her......admittedly more for the psychological effects then the physical ones. I love her more then anything, so for me, I could have cared less if she choose reconstruction or not. My love and desire for her will not be effected in the least. I just want to grow old with her. I only want the reconstruction because I know it will make it a bit easier for her to deal and heal and feel whole. I could be wrong, but I don't think she could handle it without the reconstruction.

As some of you may know, I have asthma, which is WAY worse when I'm stressed out.....been waking up hardly able to breath and coughing my lungs out. The only thing that seems to help besides the inhalers is the left over xanax I have from many years ago that the doctor gave me when I lost the baby, and never used much of then.....that and hot coffee keep me out of the ER for my stress induced asthma attacks.

I think a lot of it has had to do (in recent days) with us having to and completing our Wills. Had to be done realistically, but was hard. I like to just think positive about all this and plan for a long future together. Thankfully, that will be completed today at some point thanks to the help of some dear friends, and we can file them aside and be done talking about all that.

Perhaps my stress level will get a teeny bit better, so I can concentrate on T more, although until she comes out of surgery, I think my asthma problems will persist.

I try to stay positive and we have both taken to doing some things separately with friends to occupy our minds. One friend is even taking T's surgery date off to come sit with me in the waiting room while T has her surgery.....how freaking awesome is that!

OK, I need to get a move on now....lots to do to get those wills finalized today and I haven't had a thing to eat yet.....not that I can;t stand to loose some poundage.....LOL

Like I said, trying to keep my humor in tact and stay positive and I must say, I really do feel like everything is going to be OK.....she still has to get weekly IVs of Herceptin to keep the cancer from coming back for many more months, and radiation on the distant horizon (after full surgery recovery).....but that's all going to do good things........think positive thoughts for us..........later friends.....

The Benefit was Awesome

To say the evening was wonderful would be an understatement. Thank you all so very much....words can't express our gratitude. We love you!

T's Benefit

This Picture is from Healthier Times

I'm sitting in the chemotherapy room with T right now.....thankfully we have Internet service this time and our laptops to help make the time go by (5 hours).

Tomorrow night is T's Benefit. I'm a bit nervous. T being the guest of honor means I'm gonna be in the middle of all of it with her, and I get very nervous in situations like that, I hope I don't embarrass myself or say anything stupid. I hope T can keep it together and enjoy herself.....after all, it is also a party.

We're both very overwhelmed and grateful to everyone coming and those that could not come who donated via our donation site at http://tinamarie.bbnow.org. We are also VERY grateful to her cousins and family who upon hearing T was diagnosed, immediately arranged a get together for the cousins and friends to just show their support and wish her well, and who within 2 months organized this benefit for T tomorrow night which involved a LOT of work and headaches on their part. They have done this all with enthusiasm and love and I could not possibly express just how much that means to us.

Day by day I gazed upon her, Day by day I sighed with passion, Day by day my heart within me Grew more hot with love and longing

Sitting on the couch watching MSNBC......it's 5 after 11: pm......and I'm really enjoying the sound of the rain outside and the smell.......I love the smell of rain. Tina loves it too......I'm tempted to wake her and make her come sit with me......LOL.....doubt that would go over too well......"you woke me up so I could smell the rain?!?!, are you crazy?!?!".......the answer to that question we all know is....."YES, yes, I am crazy....duh!"


Then again she might find it amusing that I woke her to smell the rain.....hummmmm????

Living one day at a time......the days blend together with moments here and there that stand out. I do love being able to spend all this time with T.....I just wish she wasn't so sick.

Had a visit from our adorable nieces the other day, and T's bro and sis-in-law......I love spending time with them, especially little Remmy who is just adorable in every way. She is so little and yet full of personality.....there is nothing more beautiful then children her age....still discovering the world and already so smart.

T was so sick that day, but hid it well, so she could see and enjoy all their company. Every time little Remmy called her Auntie T, T's face lite up like a Christmas tree.....she was exhausted by the time they left, but it was the best thing for her......just brightened us both up actually. Kids have a way of doing that....and we get to be the cool aunties that live over an ice cream parlor......oh yeah! Lovin' that.

rut roh, she's up......not to smell the rain......nausea bad.....

10 minutes later.......OK, feeling better she's sitting next to me and I shit you not, she just sniffed the air and said she loved the smell of the rain and wishes she could go out and dance in it.......do I know my girl or what?