Saturday, February 26, 2011


T's surgery is in 3 days......3 DAYS!!!......freaking out one minute and holding it together the next. Keep telling myself this will all be OK......rough recovery coming her least 6 weeks......and the weekly IV's will continue and radiation AFTER recovery still to come.

Feeling overwhelmed, but I also, really feel deep inside that she will beat this!

Send some good vibes our way. It's going to be a LONG day in the waiting room.

Much Love,

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Stress Level

Even when I don't think I feel stressed out at any given moment, my asthma says otherwise.

I worry a lot, about everything. Been that way all my life......usually I have a good control of it, but these last few weeks, my asthma has been a nightmare....and a bit scary. Old Xanax that a doc gave me back in 2005 that I never took at the time is the only thing working. My asthma must be stress induced because the inhalers don't work well enough, but in combination with the xanax once, sometimes twice, a day keep me breathing. I need to get insurance soon, because I'm running out.

I always have a plan for something I'm not comfortable with, and a plan B and sometimes a plan C.....however, sometimes in life there are situations where you have to not care who you offend and just do what you know is right in your heart, consequences be damned.

An example of this is going full on after T's insurance company. I know getting state insurance officials involved pissed them off, but it was the only way to hold them accountable and make them do the right thing......after all, my wife's health and care is most important. The feelings or the job security of those trying to break the rules and deny her, her legal medical rights and treatment, are not my concern. My feeling is if you did your job right, I would not have had to call you out on it. It's not my nature to EVER mess with someones  living, but if your going to cost my wife the medical care she needs to live through this cancer, you bet I will do everything within the law to get her (my wife) the care she needs.

One of my best friends called me a pitbull when it comes to defending the ones I love.....all I have to say to that is D@mn right.

What they don't see or know is that when I am fighting for their rights, I am terrified I will fail or make things worse.....but I keep the faith that having right on my side, will get me through.....but in life, being right doesn't always mean you win.

My big stress not is T's pending surgery. I feel in my heart she will get through the surgery just fine, but I worry about the psychological affects of a mastectomy on her, so I'm grateful that reconstruction will either be completed or at least started at the same time during the same surgery. I believe that will make things easier to take during her recovery.

I'm not very religious, buy in my own way, I pray her pain during recovery will be minimal. I understand it will be the worst during the 1st 2 weeks until the drains come out, and most of what I've read tells me that after that the pain in considerably less.

I have a good friend coming to sit with me during her surgery next week....don't know if I will be good company in my state of worry, but I'm glad she will be there.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Surgery VERY Soon

Surgery in just over a week. T is scared as expected about the physical aspect mostly. I'm scared of both the physical and the emotional, having previously worked as a surgical coordinator, the surgery scares me a little, because any surgery is a risk.......but more I'm worried about the psychological effect that probably won't completely hit T until after surgery.

A full mastectomy, even on just one side is no small thing to deal with. Our saving grace is that the reconstruction surgeon will at the very least begin reconstruction at the same time. This gives me some peace as T will not have to ever see herself with just the mastectomy scar, which can look quite brutal. The scar with immediate reconstruction will much easier to deal with. It will still look brutal at 1st, but better as time goes on....getting T though that time will be hard as she will no doubt worry the scars will not heal as well as they will.

This surgery is WAY WAY different from people who have cosmetic surgery (increase/decrease the size of their breasts) to simply change their appearance. Those people have more skin and tissue to work with and the operation is significantly easier and has a much faster recovery and less pain....or so I'm told by a cousin who had a boob job.

I have one big hope with this, and that is that they can do the reconstruction in one shot, which may be possible and is the plan, but the surgeon won't know until they are in the thick of it. The amount of skin and tissue they have to work with, or without will be the deciding factor.

We are told because it's a complete mastectomy AND reconstruction the recovery could be anywhere from 4 to 6 or even 8 weeks and quite painful in the first few weeks.

I'm scared for her......admittedly more for the psychological effects then the physical ones. I love her more then anything, so for me, I could have cared less if she choose reconstruction or not. My love and desire for her will not be effected in the least. I just want to grow old with her. I only want the reconstruction because I know it will make it a bit easier for her to deal and heal and feel whole. I could be wrong, but I don't think she could handle it without the reconstruction.

As some of you may know, I have asthma, which is WAY worse when I'm stressed out.....been waking up hardly able to breath and coughing my lungs out. The only thing that seems to help besides the inhalers is the left over xanax I have from many years ago that the doctor gave me when I lost the baby, and never used much of then.....that and hot coffee keep me out of the ER for my stress induced asthma attacks.

I think a lot of it has had to do (in recent days) with us having to and completing our Wills. Had to be done realistically, but was hard. I like to just think positive about all this and plan for a long future together. Thankfully, that will be completed today at some point thanks to the help of some dear friends, and we can file them aside and be done talking about all that.

Perhaps my stress level will get a teeny bit better, so I can concentrate on T more, although until she comes out of surgery, I think my asthma problems will persist.

I try to stay positive and we have both taken to doing some things separately with friends to occupy our minds. One friend is even taking T's surgery date off to come sit with me in the waiting room while T has her freaking awesome is that!

OK, I need to get a move on now....lots to do to get those wills finalized today and I haven't had a thing to eat yet.....not that I can;t stand to loose some poundage.....LOL

Like I said, trying to keep my humor in tact and stay positive and I must say, I really do feel like everything is going to be OK.....she still has to get weekly IVs of Herceptin to keep the cancer from coming back for many more months, and radiation on the distant horizon (after full surgery recovery).....but that's all going to do good things........think positive thoughts for us..........later friends.....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Short update

The Insurance company FINALLY admitted they were wrong and is now paying their part of T's medical bills. It was one heck of a battle and I won it for us! Now we can concentrate on T's health and happiness.

Scans looking better although confirmed we started at stage 4 in next few weeks.....think happy thoughts everyone.

Sorry haven't blogged much....been emotional, and unable to blog about all that just yet......will update again after surg. in 2 weeks.