Surgery in just over a week. T is scared as expected about the physical aspect mostly. I'm scared of both the physical and the emotional, having previously worked as a surgical coordinator, the surgery scares me a little, because any surgery is a risk.......but more I'm worried about the psychological effect that probably won't completely hit T until after surgery.
A full mastectomy, even on just one side is no small thing to deal with. Our saving grace is that the reconstruction surgeon will at the very least begin reconstruction at the same time. This gives me some peace as T will not have to ever see herself with just the mastectomy scar, which can look quite brutal. The scar with immediate reconstruction will much easier to deal with. It will still look brutal at 1st, but better as time goes on....getting T though that time will be hard as she will no doubt worry the scars will not heal as well as they will.
This surgery is WAY WAY different from people who have cosmetic surgery (increase/decrease the size of their breasts) to simply change their appearance. Those people have more skin and tissue to work with and the operation is significantly easier and has a much faster recovery and less pain....or so I'm told by a cousin who had a boob job.
I have one big hope with this, and that is that they can do the reconstruction in one shot, which may be possible and is the plan, but the surgeon won't know until they are in the thick of it. The amount of skin and tissue they have to work with, or without will be the deciding factor.
We are told because it's a complete mastectomy AND reconstruction the recovery could be anywhere from 4 to 6 or even 8 weeks and quite painful in the first few weeks.
I'm scared for her......admittedly more for the psychological effects then the physical ones. I love her more then anything, so for me, I could have cared less if she choose reconstruction or not. My love and desire for her will not be effected in the least. I just want to grow old with her. I only want the reconstruction because I know it will make it a bit easier for her to deal and heal and feel whole. I could be wrong, but I don't think she could handle it without the reconstruction.
As some of you may know, I have asthma, which is WAY worse when I'm stressed out.....been waking up hardly able to breath and coughing my lungs out. The only thing that seems to help besides the inhalers is the left over xanax I have from many years ago that the doctor gave me when I lost the baby, and never used much of then.....that and hot coffee keep me out of the ER for my stress induced asthma attacks.
I think a lot of it has had to do (in recent days) with us having to and completing our Wills. Had to be done realistically, but was hard. I like to just think positive about all this and plan for a long future together. Thankfully, that will be completed today at some point thanks to the help of some dear friends, and we can file them aside and be done talking about all that.
Perhaps my stress level will get a teeny bit better, so I can concentrate on T more, although until she comes out of surgery, I think my asthma problems will persist.
I try to stay positive and we have both taken to doing some things separately with friends to occupy our minds. One friend is even taking T's surgery date off to come sit with me in the waiting room while T has her surgery.....how freaking awesome is that!
OK, I need to get a move on now....lots to do to get those wills finalized today and I haven't had a thing to eat yet.....not that I can;t stand to loose some poundage.....LOL
Like I said, trying to keep my humor in tact and stay positive and I must say, I really do feel like everything is going to be OK.....she still has to get weekly IVs of Herceptin to keep the cancer from coming back for many more months, and radiation on the distant horizon (after full surgery recovery).....but that's all going to do good things........think positive thoughts for us..........later friends.....