Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Here's something they don't tell you....

....if you have surgery and reconstruction AFTER chemotherapy healing is long and PAINFUL!

Doctors seem reluctant to tell you what your in for until it's too late and you have no choice but to endure it......WHY THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

...and it's not just doctors, it's people who have been through it who blog and write articles and not ONE mentioned 50% of the crap we were in for.

Then you go to the doctor and ask, "Is this NORMAL?"....and they calmly nod and say, "Yes"......well, why the fuck didn't you warn us? Hell, I felt like if we said, "3 limbs fell off and I grew a 2nd head", they would say, "yes, yes.....that's to be expected" who? Not us, 'cause no one said a word about this before.

Don't get me wrong, our doctors are the best around.....and the wonderful people who work for them.....and have cared for us, have been wonderful.....they obviously feel NOT telling us everything is better, I DISAGREE!

I'm exhausted from the 10,000 different emotions I feel every 15 minutes......EXHAUSTED! is T, and I'm not even experiencing the physical pain she is 24/7. She puts on a brave face when we leave the house, but I know, and I see the pain and exhaustion in her face.....and I'm sure she sees mine, although mines not physical.

I'm not complaining for me even, I'd do anything for her....I love her......the problem is, there is nothing I can do to take her pain away and that sucks.

I know, I patient.....this is temporary......things will get better........but I'm exhausted, frustrated, and I want more then anything to see her smile and laugh and be happy.....that's all I want.

......sorry, I needed to bitch......I actually feel a bit better having written this......weird.

OK....2 doctors appointments tomorrow and Herceptin Friday.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Commercials that are plain WRONG

There is one (there are several variations) where they show a poor person suffering from some lung disease moaning and literally gasping for breath obviously close to death, in agony and blaming cigarettes.

These adds are a slap in the face to everyone who has ever watched a real live loved one go through exactly that horrible gasping which was soooo unbearable to watch. Not to mention, not everyone who dies like that does so because of cigaretts......ever heard of asthma?, COPD?, emphasema?

So congratulations for letting those of us with such a disease having nothing to do with cigarettes SEE the horrible death we fear our whole which is all but inevitable on a daily basis.

As for the "smokers" you want to reach, you aren't reaching them! YOU ARE NOT REACHING THEM! They are young or healthy now and could not possibly care less.....they laugh at those sick commercials.

My wife has metastatic breast cancer (metastatic meaning it has spread to other organs including the lungs in her case), she had to watch her mom die exactly as in your snuff film of a commercial, and now thanks to you, we must re-live it several times a day, every day through your sick commercial.......and we both must fear our own mortality from my asthma and she from her breast cancer and envision it not just in our heads, but live on TV and often.

Gee Thanks NYC Health! You are far more sick then the poor suffering people you portray and villify. Your commercials hurt more people daily then they will help ever.....quite honestly I doubt they will help anyone.

Oh and if I have to hear the American Cancer society sing Happy Birthday to itself one more time I swear I'll throw a brick at the TV.

Nuff Said!

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Let me start by saying, I'm going to probably babble on and on in this post. I'm tired, frustrated, and a bit loopy right now...

I thought T's healing from surgery would be lots of pain meds, lots of sleeping, and me taking care of everything and making sure she ate...I love taking care of her as much as I worry I'm not good enough at it.

The pain meds do nothing. My poor girl wakes up in so much pain she actually cries out, or worse doesn't make a sound just holds her breath. I haven't been able to get her to eat much's hard to eat when you don't feel well....I understand that, so I don't push.

The pain has me worried. She has a drain in, but not much is coming out of it.....maybe that's a good thing....what the heck do I know? I know we are calling the doctor! I want her to check her out, make sure everything is "normal" and maybe give her something better for the pain.

Nothing is worse then seeing someone you love in pain.

Cancer is a word that strikes fear in everyone, and yet.....the real thing is sooooooo much worse then your worst nightmares. No one talks about the many crazy side effects, no one tells you about the pains, the meds, the effects, the permanent vs. the temporary, I worked in a cancer lab for 10 years and I had no idea, what all those positive results that crossed my desk meant for the poor person who's name was printed on it.

Everyone thinks you should be happy when chemo is over.....they don't know your scared of it coming back. They think you should be glad surgery is over, they don't know how horrible and painful the recovery is, not to mention the emotional part of it all.....loosing a breast, reconstruction if you choose. We have weeks before radiation starts, some say it's horrible, burned scarred skin, that hurts like crazy, others say it's not bad. What will it be like for T? I'm scared, and hope that she is one of the people who it will not be so bad for.

And when treatment is over everyone will be happy and congratulate us, and say you won, it's over.....but it's never over.....fear of it coming back will linger in our minds.....but I choose to believe she will beat it and outlive me. That was the deal...LOL

I think I want to try and get a job standing up for or helping cancer patients in some way. Help them raise money, pay bills, and I maybe put more info out there about what it's really like...from a loved ones perspective anyway.

I love my girl...this has changed me.....made me a better person, I think...I hope.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Quick Update

Surgery went well, she's OK, but in a LOT of pain and none of the pain meds seem to be helping much at all......I think they are discharging her today regardless...I'm off to the hospital again now.

(a longer better update to come when there is time and I'm less exhausted)