Let me start by saying, I'm going to probably babble on and on in this post. I'm tired, frustrated, and a bit loopy right now...
I thought T's healing from surgery would be lots of pain meds, lots of sleeping, and me taking care of everything and making sure she ate...I love taking care of her as much as I worry I'm not good enough at it.
The pain meds do nothing. My poor girl wakes up in so much pain she actually cries out, or worse doesn't make a sound just holds her breath. I haven't been able to get her to eat much because.....well.....it's hard to eat when you don't feel well....I understand that, so I don't push.
The pain has me worried. She has a drain in, but not much is coming out of it.....maybe that's a good thing....what the heck do I know? I know we are calling the doctor! I want her to check her out, make sure everything is "normal" and maybe give her something better for the pain.
Nothing is worse then seeing someone you love in pain.
Cancer is a word that strikes fear in everyone, and yet.....the real thing is sooooooo much worse then your worst nightmares. No one talks about the many crazy side effects, no one tells you about the pains, the meds, the effects, the permanent vs. the temporary, I worked in a cancer lab for 10 years and I had no idea.....no idea, what all those positive results that crossed my desk meant for the poor person who's name was printed on it.
Everyone thinks you should be happy when chemo is over.....they don't know your scared of it coming back. They think you should be glad surgery is over, they don't know how horrible and painful the recovery is, not to mention the emotional part of it all.....loosing a breast, reconstruction if you choose. We have weeks before radiation starts, some say it's horrible, burned scarred skin, that hurts like crazy, others say it's not bad. What will it be like for T? I'm scared, and hope that she is one of the people who it will not be so bad for.
And when treatment is over everyone will be happy and congratulate us, and say you won, it's over.....but it's never over.....fear of it coming back will linger in our minds.....but I choose to believe she will beat it and outlive me. That was the deal...LOL
I think I want to try and get a job standing up for or helping cancer patients in some way. Help them raise money, pay bills, and I maybe put more info out there about what it's really like...from a loved ones perspective anyway.
I love my girl...this has changed me.....made me a better person, I think...I hope.