Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Lost, but trying to find my way

I feel so lost....

I'm sad, I'm angry, and mostly I'm scared.....I'm on an out of control roller coaster and all I can do is hold on and wait for the ride to end.....not all the time.....There are good happy moments mixed in.

I feel like all my emotions are amplified. Someone cut me off in traffic recently, and instead of mumbling, "what an idiot" and moving on......I completely lost my sh!t...not that they could hear me or anything.....when I cry, I can't control it anymore.

I feel like I've been a crappy friend to my little core group of "family"....all I can do is hope they understand how overwhelmed I am and that while I might not, check in often enough, I think about them all every day....and I plan to try a lot harder.....these are not the only friends that matter, but the friends that matter the most

  • 2 friends just broke up and are both hurting....trying to spend more time with both of them as much for them as for myself.....really appreciate the break visiting with them gives me and can only hope it helps them too.
  • 1 friend is going through her own personal hell, worried about her son.....I haven't been there for her nearly enough....she even hooked me up with entertainment for those long days when T is sick and we are trapped in the apt.....wicked cool....I am excited to see her in a few days....miss the crap outta her, but not sure how I can help.
  • 1 friend just had surgery and is also worried about said son.....I haven't been able to get my @ss over there to visit in person.....so I've been checking in only via text/Internet...sorry bud.
  • 1 friend (and her partner) are dealing with exactly what I am with her dad's cancer....gotta make plans to hang with them soon, I know more then anyone, they could use a relaxing break with friends.
  • 1 bright spot: 2 friends are in a sweet happy place....really super happy for them.....they have been really supportive and I just enjoy hanging and being silly with them every once in awhile.
  • 1 friend fighting breast cancer herself who I re-connected with vis F.B. and who I need to write more often.
  • ...etc...

I'm doing my best.....but.....I really want to do better in a lot of ways.....I mean more then I'm saying, but not able to put it into words.....it's 1:am and I'm not even sure I'm making any sense anymore, so good night for now.


  1. Jut my two cents, but cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to stay in touch with people. Frankly, email & texts work. It lets people know you are thinking of them even if you can't get away from all your own stuff to sit an visit.

  2. It's obvious how much you care about your friends and those who know you, I'm sure know how much you care. Don't punish yourself with guilt, you are going through enough already.

  3. No worries my friend. With all that we've been going through I've also felt bad about not checking in on you two often enough. I'm thinking about you guys a lot though, please know that and I'm here if you need anything.

    I have a couple more weeks off from work and should be off pain meds soon so I can come by and visit.

    hugs to you both and HANG IN THERE you are doing great!

    I'm proud of you for being so strong through all of this. It's a lot to deal with. Take it one day at a time and try to focus on the good stuff. That goes for both of you.