"I wanna newwwww drug..."

"....one that won't make me sick."

Sitting in chemo room with T as I write this. She's been REALLY sick as of late coupled with morning her mom and now fully understanding all her mom endured during her treatment has been a bit too much to take.

Done with the 1st set of chemo meds and now starting Taxol and Herceptin for the next 8 weeks and treatments are EVERY week now.

Scared sh!tless about how she will react to the Taxol. Tina has a little neuropathy in her hands already without the Taxol and the Taxol is known to cause or worsen that side-effect....can't catch a break.

They SAY the nausea should not be as bad on this new drug, but the new drug has it's own set of scary side-effects...neuropathy in hands and feet being the worst on the list.

Oh and did I mention these meds make menopause worse......wicked hot flashes! Poor T goes from blazing hot to freezing cold and back again in minutes at times.

As for me, I'm loosing my mind at times.....hard to watch and not be able to do anything but be there....and by hard I mean sometimes I want to scream and hit things. She sometimes out of pain, sickness, grief, frustration and 100 other things will just curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably. Rips my heart out.

I keep saying to her and myself that in 6 to 8 month or so, this will be over.....but it's little comfort.

That is all for now.....that's enough

Who Loves You Baby?

I do...

Can you say nausea, boys and girls?

Poor T had a horrible day of really bad nausea. She's been so sick, eating and drinking has been really hard for her.

When we got to the doctor, they took one look at her and hooked her up to an IV to give her fluids and anti-nausea meds, that didn't work. The fluids helped a tiny little bit.....I expect we will go back again tomorrow to do that again, and the doc definately wants to see and hydrate her again Friday.

I've never seen T this miserable and sick.....it makes me feel helpless and yet grateful that I can be here to take care of her all at the same time. I don't know what she would have done if I wasn't here....not that I actually did much...
...tried to get her to eat and drink
...drove her to the doctor
...ran a few errands

 I wish these 1st four chemotherapy treatments would fly by.....1 down, 3 to go.....after that, they drop the heavy meds making her so sick and switch to meds she will tolerate way better....or so they say.

If that's all not enough, we have to worry that her work will screw her over and she'll loose her job because she's sick, in spite of the fact that we have doctors notes. They are making this way harder on T then they have to......people are selfish and evil sometimes....got the name of a good employment lawyer from a friend, just in case....hope we don't need him though.

A Long Day

Tried to get Tina out of the house for a couple of hours today....it exhausted her in every way.....physically, mentally, emotionally.....like much of this weekend, I'm sitting next to her while she sleeps quietly.

It has been 3 days of nausea that has tried her patience, her strength and her determination.....she is stronger then she thinks, although there is no way she can go to work tomorrow and be, not only on her feet all day, but lifting 50 lb. bags of food, and chopping and cooking all day.

I've watched her break down, I've watched her give up, I've watched her fight, I've watched her get angry, I've watched her laugh.....and now as I watch her sleep, I know that I love her more then I thought it was possible to love another human being.

Through all this...and we've only just begun this journey......I have been on an emotional roller coaster myself.....not quite the same as hers, but just as scary and with as many twists, dips and turns.....I have to deal with her crazy mood swings, but she has to deal with mine too...

frustration....I find myself snapping at people for no reason, yelling at drivers who cut me off like some kind of lunatic one minute, and laughing at myself for it later.....hoping my friends understand when I'm angry, or quiet or forgetful.....hope they and T know it's the frustration talking and that I don't mean half the sh!t I say sometimes....so take nothing personally, please.

Nothing frustrates me more then a problem I can't fix. She has to struggle through a treatment that will last for almost a full year and there is nothing I can do but watch, and try to help her through it as best I can.....it sucks when your an "I wanna fix it now" kind of person......and did I mention, patience is not a virtue I have a lot of.

.....tomorrow is another day.....

Stress

Stress and worry of the unknown really f#cks with who you are at times. This is what a bad day is like...

When T is scared,and she's scared sh!tless about her 1st chemo this Friday and having all those chemicals running through her body.....she becomes very irritable and critical.

When I'm scared, and I am, I try to hide it from her mostly....and just yell at every idiot driver on my way to the store.....i take it out on strangers who can't hear me.....I try to ignore the nit picking she does out of fear and stress, but sometimes it gets so bad that I have to speak up and tell her to stop because she makes me feel that I can't do ANYTHING right.

She gets it immediately, and stops for awhile......but also then feels bad because she knows she does that......then I feel bad for making her feel bad......sigh!

I love her so much I hate that she's going through this.....I hate that I'm going through this......I hate that I spoke up for myself the other night and made her so sad on top of the fear she's already feeling.

I hope that once she has the chemo and sees exactly how she will react and feel, that it will be less scary and we can fall into a routine with it.....and maybe relax enough to enjoy the time between treatments more.